Doggie danger zone

I've long theorized that my parents' house is toxic but now the true danger is starting to manifest itself.

About two weeks ago our sweet chocolate lab, Buddy, an otherwise healthy dog if you ignore his allergies, skin problems, thyroid issues, and lyme disease, underwent what we believe was his first seizure.

Then over the weekend my brother's dog, Snoopy, was visiting Buddy and he had a seizure too. Snoopy's was worse than Buddy's, I'm told, and my parents really thought that was it for the little guy.

The only thing the two dogs have in common is the fact that they were at my parents' house. They have different diets and they're different breeds so I don't think it's genetic or something they ate. Yet, like I have experienced myself, the sheer fact of being at my parents' house sends them into a tizzy.

We had Buddy at the vet after his seizure where we began the process of ruling out potential causes. If we can't link it to anything else, we go with the default diagnosis which is canine epilepsy.

I'm starting to learn about canine epilepsy and it scares the crap out of me. There's really not much you can do for the dog while he's having a seizure. Some theorize that putting an ice pack on the dog's back will shorten the seizure but other people say to just let the dog alone and wait for the seizure to end.

Of course we don't even know if either dog will have another seizure. It could happen again today, a year from now, or never. You just don't know. All I know is that I watched Alex, the best dog ever, die during some sort of seizure and I never want to witness anything like that again.

At any rate, I'm convinced that the seizures Buddy and Snoopy had are due to some environmental cause. Lead is a possible toxin but my parents say there couldn't possibly be any lead in the house. Their house was built in the 1980s so I'm inclined to agree.

Still, I think there is enough junk in my parents' house to make anybody sick. Just look at my parents. Clearly there's something wrong there.

I think this health scare is the perfect opportunity for my parents to step up and clean their house, top to bottom, so that we can rule out any environmental causes. Buddy and Snoopy deserve that.

Plus, it would make visiting much nicer.

Hey Baltimore County: Don't mess with my grandparents

See that cute elderly couple to the left? Those are my grandparents. And Baltimore County is trying to make them miserable.

Earlier this week, my 91-year-old grandparents were very upset to receive a citation from the county stating that they must move their car from their driveway by Dec. 26, 2006 because it is not currently licensed. The vehicle is, however, fully operable and on their own property.

Failure to move the car by the specified date will result in a $200 per day fine.

The primary reason my grandparents keep their car, even though they don't drive it, is for safety. They believe that having a car outside is a signal that someone is home and will deter criminals from breaking in. I can't say whether this is actually a true crime deterrentt but if it makes my grandparents happy, then I'm all for it.

In addition, we use the trunk of the vehicle for storage of a wheelchair and walker. Because we no longer permit my grandparents to drive, it is incumbent upon the children and grandchildren to transport them to doctor's appointments. Keeping their medical aids in the car eases the process significantly.

None of this seems to matter to the people at Baltimore County code enforcement who received a complaint and found my grandparents in violation of Section 428:

Section 428, Outside Storage of Unlicensed or Inoperative Motor Vehicles on Residential Property [Bill No. 135-1986]

A. An inoperative motor vehicle may not be stored outside on a residential lot.

B. An unlicensed motor vehicle may not be stored outside on a residential lot except under the following conditions:

1. Outside storage (i.e., not within a fully enclosed structure) for a period not exceeding 15 days, unless extended by the Zoning Commissioner, in any calendar year is permitted for no more than one such vehicle per dwelling unit per year.

2. The vehicle may not be stored in a front or side yard unless placed in a driveway or other off-street parking area, and the vehicle may not be stored in a rear yard unless placed at least 8 feet from any property line.

3. The owner of the vehicle must reside on the lot upon which the vehicle is stored.

4. The vehicle may not be used or dismantled for parts.

C. Nothing contained in Subsection B shall be construed to prohibit the outside storage of unlicensed but operative farm tractors or farm equipment actually and regularly used on a farm, farmette or satellite farm.

I'm not entirely sure where to channel my anger. I know I'm annoyed with the County Council which, 20 years ago, passed the legislation telling people what they can and can't do on their own private property. I know I'm mad at whoever it was that reported my grandparents to the county. I suppose I really can't blame the inspector who issued the citation because he was just doing his job.

The good news is that I convinced the aforementioned inspector to grant a 30-day extension so at least my grandparents don't have to rush to do something in the next few days. I asked him about what it takes for the zoning commission to issue a special exception and he said no exception has ever been granted.

I just can't forgive anyone who gives my grandparents a hard time. It's their car and their property. Why does the county get to tell them they can't keep something there that gives them a sense of security?

Perhaps in the alternative, Baltimore County would be willing to put a marked police car on the driveway 24/7. Too expensive? Then let my grandparents keep their car. They're 91 and never done a thing wrong in their lives. They've earned it.

It's my birthday... still

I've recently been chastised for not providing a timely account of my birthday for readers of my blog. Please note that the reason I have not yet given such a summary is that I don't actually consider my birthday to be over yet.

Still, to appease the masses, I hereby present a quick run-down of how my birthday season has gone so far.

The birthday season has thus far included three Broadway shows (Les Miserables, RENT, and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels) as well as the great Baltimore area gastro-entertainment tour, featuring Sotto Sopra, Copra, Cazbar, Baldwin's Station (for both brunch and dinner), Artful Gourmet Bistro, Liberatore's, Don Pablo's, and Fuddruckers.

I am also pleased to once again share my birthday month with Hanukkah and Christmas, which generally serve to increase the dessert available. Over the weekend we dined on latkes at Rich's dad and stepmom's place and then glorious rainbow cake at my aunt and uncle's house.

Starting this year, I now share my birthday month with my cousin's son, Gabriel, who was born last Sunday. As long as the little guy doesn't try to move in on my birthday turf, I think things should be okay. Due to the birth of the aforementioned child, we also attended a bris with spectacular bris food. If you haven't had bris food, you don't know what you're missing. I would highly recommend befriending a nearby pregnant Jewish woman in the immediate future so as to increase your chances of a bris invite. If you cannot locate one on your own, just head over to Park Heights Avenue and you're sure to find one ready to pop. Happy bagels, lox, and whitefish!

The rest of my birthday month shall showcase a trip to Hershey, PA and a short jaunt to Atlantic City, with the month culminating in a New Year's Eve celebration that will certainly include multiple forms of dessert.

By the time I finally awake from my food-induced coma we'll be safely into January and that can only mean one thing -- it's Weight Watchers time baby!

Um, when did I become Cathy?

Or maybe more appropriately, when did Cathy become me?

I know I'm married and chubby too but it's really scaring me that I relate more and more to Cathy each day.

If she starts hoarding JCPenney snowglobes, just shoot me.