Who I am, according to Baltimore Magazine

I need a really expensive house and a bunch of plastic surgery. Baltimore Magazine told me so.

Okay, so technically that's what Baltimore Magazine's advertisers are telling me, but you get the point.

I'm pretty sure I fall into the 99-year-old magazine's intended demographics. I'm a married, late 20-something professional, who dines out regularly, goes to the theater, and, in theory (only in theory, I might add), I have disposable income because I'm childless. Now I don't live within the city limits, but I think Baltimore Magazine still hopes to attract suburbanites like myself. With all of the lavish houses out in the Valley advertised for sale at a mere $7 million, apparently county or country living isn't all bad.

It's actually quite interesting to flip through an issue of the magazine and learn just who it is that's supposed to be living in Baltimore. I have to be honest: When I think of Baltimore, ritzy socialites don't come to mind. I picture a high murder rate. I picture an out-of-control drug culture, filled with violence, absentee parents, and illiteracy. I picture the Baltimore I see on the subway everyday.

While I do acknowledge the success of some revitalization efforts, you're still not going to see me walking around the outside of the Hippodrome at night. I ride the subway everyday to and from work and I can tell you that Baltimore is not as high-brow, upper-crust, and hoity-toity as advertisers may want to believe.

But Baltimore Magazine thinks that's the real Baltimore, or at least its readership. According to its website, "Baltimore magazine readers are educated, affluent professionals with an average investment portfolio worth almost $200,000. They use credit cards almost twice as often as the national average. Eight out of ten readers read every issue and nine out of ten use the magazine to make buying decisions."

Of course I'm in no position to tell the advertisers what does and doesn't work. Obviously they're seeing some sort of return if they continue to run high-priced ads in the glossy monthly. Someone out there must be reading it and agree that, yes, cosmetic dentistry is a must, and I really do need to trade in that 05 Mercedes/Lexus/Hummer/Bentley for a newer model.

I don't begrudge those who can spend with reckless abandon. I simply doubt they're as prevalent as the magazine indicates. Is there a small sub-culture of the cultured (and filthy rich) living among us that I just don't know about? If so, where do I sign up? I'm ready for my $148 umbrella that's pictured on page 94 of the April issue. The broken ones littering the streets of downtown on rainy days just bring me down.

Beware the Terps of March

It's a rough time for Maryland basketball fans. It's gotten so that rioting and setting fires just isn't fun anymore.

Just a few short years ago Terps fans watched as their team, led by the likes of Juan Dixon and Steve Blake, plowed through the big dance and emerged victorious.

Oh how the snotty have fallen.

As if a lackluster season wasn't bad enough, Maryland's men's basketball team apparently felt the need to make sure they went out on an equally sour note, losing to Manhattan in the first round of the NIT.

Originally Coach Gary Williams said his team didn't want to play in the NIT. Well guess what, Gary. It showed.

Senior forward Nik Caner-Medley summed up the team's feelings by saying they just weren't into it.

"This whole year is embarrassing," Caner-Medley told The Baltimore Sun following the game. "Not making the NCAA tournament is embarrassing. Obviously we wanted to be in the NCAA tournament, and I think we probably would've played better if we were [there]."

I feel for you, Nik. I really do. You see I can only pretend to know what you must be going through. You've had nearly four years of a free college education now and all you'll have to show for it is a degree a lot of national exposure. That must be tough. I, on the other hand, have nearly $50,000 in student loans to show for my education.

I guess when it comes to spoiled demagogues like Caner-Medley, it takes more exciting things to get hyped up... exciting things like his July 2004 arrest for disorderly conduct following a drunken brawl.

Then there's senior Chris McCray, the player deemed academically ineligible in January when his GPA fell below a 2.0. (Incidentally, McCray officially withdrew from classes just a few days ago, obviously crippled by the concept that some professors expected him to attend class every once in a while.) His parents must be so proud. Afterall, this comes on the heels of his August 2005 arrest in College Park after refusing to leave the scene of a fight.

Okay, so let's see what we have here. There's a coach who makes millions of dollars a year who feels that playing in anything other than the NCAA tourney is beneath him. Then there's a few holier-than-thou college athletes who have been given a free ride yet can't seem to appreciate it. Oh, and let's not forget the multi-million dollar state-of-the-art Comcast Center where the pampered players can work and play.

Gosh, how could things have gone so wrong? Something tells me the results might have been a bit better if all that money and attention went into the school's academics instead of thuggery training. Of course the parties after a mock trial competition just aren't as cool.

Circus, Circus, and yes, Circus

It's probably bad for my image to admit this but I will anyway: My husband and I are circus geeks. Most people would find it more than adequate to go to the circus once a year. Not us. Once again, we'll be attending the Ringling Brothers circus three times this year.

Before you scoff, you have to understand something: There's not just one circus. There are actually three Ringling Brothers Circuses (Circi?) currently traveling the country. There's the Red Tour (which stars Bello, the best clown ever), the Gold Tour, and the all new Blue Tour.

This year we will attend two performances of the Red Tour (one in Baltimore and one in D.C.) and then finish out the circus season with the all new Blue Tour in Hershey, Pa. (For the past two years we've traveled to New York for our third show.)

I'm particularly excited to see the all new Blue Tour this year which promises to revolutionize the circus-going experience. No more three ring circus, they say. Instead, it's supposed to be more Cirque de Soleil and less cirque de kids screaming.

Of course I'm also looking forward to the two Blue Tour performances where Bello is the star. He's not just a clown, you see. He's an acrobat, athlete, and death-defying stunt performer. Take that stupid French clown David Larible. (In the interest of full disclosure, Larible is technically Italian, but you have to admit that "stupid French clown" sounds much better.)

But it's not all about the clowns. The other performers and all of the amazing animals quite a treat. Rich loves Crazy Wilson and the wheel of death. I love the way the elephants all line up and take the tail of the one in front of them. And please, you can't not get a rush when you see Mark Oliver Gebel, son of the famed lion tamer Gunther Gebel Williams, work with the giant pachyderms or dance with the big cats.

Surprisingly my experiences with the greatest show on earth didn't start out so great. I had a terrible case of the flu for my very first circus visit, around the time I was six years old. At my urging, my father decided to take me anyway. My only memory of that circus visit is that a canon went off somewhere and I vomited soon thereafter.

I'm glad to say my recent circus memories are far happier ones... except for the $17 cotton candy. Two years ago, Bello came right up to the seat in front of us and sat down for a picture. Maybe this year will be even better and Rich will finally get a turn on the wheel of death.